The Body Practice

I started to include this on the BodyWise Circle: Self-Love Challenge in the forums, but wanted to share it with all my buddies.  I ran into my ex-husband tonight at the coffee shop.  It was akward because this was the first time he had met my Hubby.  I know much of his family has met Hubby just running into us here or there, but the inevitable finally happened.

 I couldn’t read him.  He smiled but didn’t talk much.  But that is just how things were with him.  But all my faults as his wife reared their ugly head in my memory, and I started questioning if I am doing some of the same things in this marriage. 

Money is tough and I am in school.  I wonder often if I give enough to help the household.  Ick.  Stuck between becoming and surviving is a sticky, icky place.

Don’t know if I have the energy to turn it all around and wax on about the positives.

I have shared most of my feelings with my Hubby…we just have that kind of relationship.

I don’t want to think back on the pains of my divorce, but I do have a part of me that hurts for the dreams that died with my ex…just out of respect for what we had intended to create together.

But if that was all created, I wouldn’t have what I have now in this beautiful marriage.  I think in that regard I must be the LUCKIEST woman in the world.  He is a treasure in so many ways.  Wish you could all meet him…on the outside he is a bit quirky in the best way.  He is quiet and introspective.  Then, get to know him and he is joy filled.  We are like two kids.  What a pair of old people we will make.  And we smile and cuddle lots. 

Thank God for this life of mine…and bless the one I left…bless my ex and all the beauty and heart ache of his life.  And thank you for allow the two guys to meet tonight. 

That is something I don’t have to worry about anymore. 

(Gunna crawl into bed and nest under the covers.)  It’s one of those evenings.

Hugs,

Rae

Hey Buddies,

I think it is interesting to read my last two blogs side by side.  One is the height of happiness, and the other is an emotional bog.  I was feeling sick last night from the fried food binge I had.  I serious had to talk myself out of purging.  I haven’t thought of purging in decades.  It was never really my way of doing things.  But last night I just thought, WHY NOT!? It would just be once and no one would know.  It isn’t like it would hurt me in the long run, and I would have this awful junk out of me! 

But then I remembered that one destructive thing leads to another and before you know it you are on a path you wish you were off.  So I made myself go to bed and worked on forgiving myself.  Today I will call my therapist. 

 Last night with my family should not have sent me to the Fry Daddy.  (Last night’s weapon of choice.)

Today is a new day.  I have plenty of things to keep me busy.  I will take a little time at the seawall today counting my blessings and  honoring the beauty of the world around me.  I love my city.

 I will work at the Art Museum today with my second grade field trip.  It is like play therapy when the kids are well behaved, and today’s group usually is.  I am looking forward to the show.

Art Museum of South Texas

Spent my waking moments with the kittens, it is cool here so, they liked cuddling.  I liked it too.

Hope you all have a beautiful day,

Rae

I fried food in my house and am eating it RIGHT NOW!  My fingers are greasy and sliding all over the keys. 

 I know I am doing it because I don’t feel safe.  Emotionally that is.  I have some big mouthed, big opinion…something is wrong with everyone but them family members and I went into territiory, thinking the world might have changed because I think maybe I have changed and BAM…BaM…K-Bam!  They shot me down!

(Excuse me Buddies while I set aside my manners and express how I really feel…I am eating my way into submission and the only way out is either to stuff it or spew it….so let the spewing begin!) 

And I don’t even want to write about it because I don’t want to be hurt by this shiet anymore. I have grown a bit bored of the drama….but alas, it still digs at me.

  I have an Aunt who is in the hospital, so all the Aunts are coming down and staying at my dad’s.  They just lost the youngest sibling, their first to pass, a few months ago so they are rallying around the one who is hurt now. 

I get out of a rough midterm and drive over there. In my mind I think…maybe I should put on makeup so I don’t look as tired as I am.  Then I think.  Whatever!  I am gunna be myself, I am sure those days of judging my body for its size and wanting me to look perfect are long gone…we have all matured! 

So I walk into my Dad’s house and he says, “The Sisters are on the porch”.  It is dark outside and all that illuminates their three faces is the glow of the candle in the center of the table and the vibrant embers of their cigarettes as they draw  poison out with their lips.  Smoke bellows around them as they say, “Come, my child, sssssit.”  I have entered their lair.

  By Laurie Lipton

But suddenly the game has changed.  I have stayed away long enough, kept my distance long enough that they have grown new tactic, which like the old one that I have now mastered, are beyond my present understanding and development.  “Who are you voting for?”  I look around and realize I am surrounded by four strong voiced individuals whose political party and position on the conservative-moderate-liberal scale all differ from mine.  The door is behind me, but the struggle of my values between self-preservation and familial respect have me frozen in a tie. 

Meekly I think, “Can’t we all just get along?”  But to no avail.  The please that I am tired of thinking after my exam are only fodder for their game.  I give in and declare my candidate.  “Why, tell me why?!”, the ring leader insists.  “Uhhhh, he has similar values to mine, I like the ticket he is running.”  (Good Answer…I think to myself.)  But no…not off the hook that easily.  “What specifically do you like?”  Then the interrogation began.  And I retreated into a place of non-engagement, on the edge of my seat, there only to pay homage to the little girl self who once had to be a nobody because her body was of little value. 

I sat and listened as they took the opportunity to slam my candidate and me along with them.  I occasionally rallied back by pointing out to them HOW they were talking to me.  But other than that tried not to get tied up in the drama.

Now some might argue that I should have defended my candidate or been as voice-full as they, but I think a diplomat knows when to speak and when it is futile.  I chose inner peace, knowing that no matter what I said, I could not sway their how or why.

I left in the end, feeling happy that I had not been as suckered in as I might have before and praising myself for watching the ”show” with curiosity.  

Then I got a call from my dad.  It started out nice enough. With a compliment and sharing how he has been feeling a bit down recently, moved to asking me for advice and then…then….I don’t know why I am surprise…I should be my own fortune teller….he began telling about the man he met…ex-con…who he admires so much.  Because….(and he wishes I could have met him…and wouldn’t I have been inspired by him)….(Now I have some friends who are, as my father says, “Ex Cons”…. my mind reeled with the possibility of their inspiration…I was ready to be inspired!) Because “he had gastr….what is it called…well, they went in and messed with his stomach…oh I wish you could get something like this…blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, F’in’, blah.  ”

How is it they always can sneak it in so well?!  The let’s-get-you-fixed…even though you aren’t asking to be fixed.  Now who is the CON?!

The truth about gastric bypass for me is that I don’t want to do it.  I know people who have…people who have had it change their lives for the better, some who have had the surgery 3 times and gone back to eat the same old, messed up way, and even people who have died from the surgery.  I am not ignorant about it!  I just don’t want to do it. 

So why am I upset? My family doesn’t know me.  They want to say we have a good family…but do they listen to each other?  Do they know each other?  I think they wanna talk about something that they feel passionate about, like McCain and Palin or Obama and Biden … and get real turned on and hyper about that to make them feel like they are alive.  They may know a lot about each of the candidates, but they didn’t learn a thing about me.  They lost their opportunity.  What a shame, I lost my opportunity too.

So the big bowl of greasy food is now in my stomach.  It has been almost a year since I fried food in my house.  It is an old way of punishing my family.  Only it is really punishing me….they will never know I ate it.  It’s an f’ed up dynamic….but it is how I coped for years.

Thanks for letting me spew.Blah,

Rae

Have you ever heard the song of the siren? …that tempting melody that coo’s you toward the coast of joyful oblivion?  I embarked on a journey from home this weekend completely on my own to visit a long-time, dear friend, and although the visit offered peace and retreat, the ride up there… with my hands on the wheel, the beauty of the setting sun to my left and the wail of my favorite music… took me as high as I have been in years. 

Several times I pulled myself up-straight in the drivers seat, rolling my spine in an undulating celebration of happiness and  bellowed a bewitching glee-howl from the tips of my toes, across my knees, echoeing through belly and bossom to the gaping aria drenched portal of my lips. I became the siren, both calling out to myself to follow my bliss and answering back with willing curiosity for the promised pleasure-journey ahead.

How long has it been?  I ask myself.  Internally carressing my own weary head.  How did I make it through to this place?  Some part of me still sits in the chair across from my sick bed of a year ago, witness to the physical and psychological pains of my 38th year.  I asked a different question then…How in the world did this happen to me?  How did I arrive close to 40 with no child in sight, and then as my birthday approached, found a little one to call my own, only to have the dream plucked away.  But somehow that is all just a shadow now…not real…just passing in front of my eyes for me to say…what is that dark spot that is not me…that takes flight and disappears behind the veil of my genuine happiness?

And what is this relationship that I have with my body?  How did it happen that I have come to know my flesh and bone and that once small frazzled voice which is now clear and strong?  How is it that this body I once feared and hated is now my greatest teacher?  What if my body was my teacher?  I used to ask.  And now I know.  The answer is peace.  The answer is wholeness and holiness. I am standing at the treshold of my fleshy temple.  Within it are volumes and volumes of stories, mythologies, teachings, songs and works of art….manuscripts to an authentic way of living.

I feel blessed and indeed, I am.      Rae

The other day I read an article from some link on yahoo that talked about how to put the spark back into your relationship… and how to keep it going.  They interviewed several couples who had happy, healthy relationships.  Some of the stuff they talked about I do with my Hubby. Like act silly, keep a sense of humor, find ways to boost one another and to let the other know you appreciate them.  We are as silly as they come but also have a lot of respect for each other.

 But somewhere along the way, we have lost a bit of what we had in the beginning when it comes to being lovie with each other.  Well the article (sorry I can’t remember where it was from) suggested that one couple insisted on flirting with eachother all the time, even if it never lead to anything.  I don’t know about you, but sometimes it feels like flirting at all becomes a commitment to “finish the job you started” (so to speak).  Who has time for that everyday?!  Well the couple agreed that like constantly eating chocolate, making love all the time could lose its spark and interest if you had too much of it.  So they keep a good tease going most days…that way you might save up for an amazing dessert after thinking about it all week, just to make it all the more rich. 

I liked the idea and without telling Hubby, I started testing the waters with flirting.  At dinner the other night, I slipped off my sandle and rubbed on his leg while he was having guy talk with his friend.  I rubbed his feet while we were watching a movie.  When we got in the elevator at work, I pushed him against the wall and kissed him till I heard the bell go off *DING*. 

I have been cuddling with him more.  I initiated a one minute hug in the car if I want to be near him.  And today, I announced a three minute make out session!  I haven’t had that much fun in years!

The pay-offs have been wonderful.  He is more affectionate without just wanting to jump in the sack.  He even brought me breakfast in bed.  I think guys just want to be appreciated and want some attention.  And honestly, I bet they don’t want to have to perform all the time anyway.  This gets everyone off the hook to be perfect lovers while allowing them to be perfectly loving.  It feels so healthy and rewarding.

So what does all of this have to do with weight loss.  It makes my body feel good, and it makes me feel good about myself.  And that is the ultimate goal for losing weight….feeling good about yourself.  If I get to THAT before I lose weight, I am ahead of the game!

Here’s to LOVE!

 Hiya Buddies!

Looks like our self-love challenge has a name and has its first posted challenge.  Check it out in the Challenge Forum under BodyWise Circle.  We are looking for folks who are curious about cultivating self-love, learning to listen to the wisdom of their own body and practicing positive body imaging.  The only thing you need toin order join is curiosity. 

Come check it out if you like…Rae

Hubby and I spent the evening combing thru some of the things we had parked in an upstairs closet that is larger than some people’s hall ways.  It has a window in it, hard wood floors and enough space to live in if you HAD to.  I had always dreamed of turning it into a kind of study….currently it is filled with my library of books and stuff.  But Hubby and I watched a video the other nite about turning your closet into an art space.  My closet is TONS larger than the one the artist used for her art, and he said…why not do that you your study closet.  SHAZAM!  My world shifted! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSqvPBldneI

(This is Suzy Blu’s Art Closet…ps I totally dig her!)

We got motivated enough to clear out a rolling rubbermaid tower, a 3.5 for bookshelf, two boxes of books, a bag of old gift bags, a bag of trash, seven 4 x4 boards, a suit case and a box filled with candles and various other treasures!  We took the books, along with a box of VHS tapes to Half Price Books and got $30.00 for them!  We also found out that one of the books…which they are willing to give us $20 for was being sold on the internet for $100.  Well worth our time.

 But honestly, that isn’t the best part, having my own space is GREAT.  My mind is reeling with possiblities.  Paint the walls, comb through the books even more, hang up some twinkle lights and my funny spider web candelabra, etc.  A place to meditate or pray, to visit with a friend or hide from the cat, a place to journal, a place to just get quiet and still, a place to listen to my breath and explore the innerscape of my mind and heart, a place to create, to express, to grow, to cry, and even room enough to dance alone if play my cards right…and to dance with the one I love if we stand real close and hold on tight.

This is about the journey to WHOLE-ness…the journey to my intuition and to peace.  I love my life.  Am grateful for my life.  This is bliss.

Rae

I started a written journal earlier last week regarding the changes in the world’s economy. 

My intention is to look at how to make that work in my life and make my life work with it so that I don’t get taken down a road I don’t want to go down.  I have started a list of 100 Frugal Living Ideas in that journal.  I reached 20 before falling asleep into the journal last night.  Somehow I feel like having peace around money in my life will assist me in feeling in control of food and eating.

 So I a writing about that as well.  And I feel like the decisions I make about saving money will benefit my relationship with food in a positive way.  I want to create a place in my home to honor my relationship with food.  So the dinner table is the logical choice.  When was the last time you ate at the dinner table?  Mine is covered in art supplies right now.  But I want it to be a kind of sacred place.  Hope that doesn’t sound too hokie.  But I have so much to be thankful for in my walk with food and for my body…why not raise the act of honoring my body to a spiritual place?!  The body is the temple, eh? If nothing else, it will help me mark the time I am with my plate or bowl so that my mind is more aware of what is going on.

I suppose all of this is coming from a counseling class I am taking.  It is on the subject of rituals within families.  Not rituals in the worst sense of the word, but as in the rhythms we establish to set some action or interaction asside from the mundane.  Rituals can be a way of communicating with a part of your brain which understands things through symbolism.  It is one of the most ancient parts of the brain and one of the most powerful as well.  Communicating in symbols can tell the brain that what is happening in the symbolic action is a kind of reality…the ancient brain translates it as real.

So to create a place for making my meals special, helps my brain to realize that they are.  I will tend to be more aware of what I eat, encouraging my mind to be more present for the meal. It will also create dialogue with my family which is priceless.  And free entertainment…I might add.  It will create stronger bonds between us and help us support one anothers journey to wellness.

So that is one of the ways I am allowing the new economy to be my Teacher.  And I really am trying to look at it that way.  Sure we are struggling like so many other people.  And sure I am often scared.  But I am trying to take it up as a challenge.  My mother did it before me and her mother and grandmother before her.  I can do this….and believe I will be a better woman for it in the end.  I already like what I am learning.  Life school is good! 

We are trying to name the group that is focusing on self-love, positive body image, and intuitive eating.  Intuitive eating just happens to be of interest to several of the members and it isn’t necessary that you do that to be part of the group.  The group is currently open to anyone.

Some name suggestions are

S.L.I.E. (Self Love Intuitive Eating) Team 

I.S.L.E . (same thing…different order) Team

Self Love to Lose

In Other Words

Body Wise Circle

Body Electric (from the song from FAME)  YouTube - I Sing The Body Electric (From The Original Motion Picture)

I am creating this blog to encourage a brainstorming session for the team.  Feel free to offer up suggestions.  We will close the brainstorming session Wednesday and see if we can come up with a concensus soon after.

Rae

With much gratitude, I dedicate this blog to the part of myself which had vision enough to trust a new way to find peace for my mind and heart regarding my body. 

Last year about this time, I began looking for a way out of the relentless grind in my mind of negitive BODY TALK.  There was that IBSC (Itty Bitty Shitty Committee) going on about the way this part looked or the way that part moved, how much space this part took up or who large this was compared to this person or that.  My heart ached with the constant barrage of imperfection.

 Then there was the commentary from the World.  Pictures of perfect bodies, airbrushed to make them even more perfect.  Looks from strangers and messages of this diet, that operation, or this magic pill.   And the inevitable whispered talks from “well-meaning” family or friends about how I should try what their friend tried…etc. etc. etc.  If you don’t know the drill first hand, I bet you can at least relate!

Then Fate played a little trick on me.  As I was starting to exercise and push myself into the “perfect body”, I was stricken with a pain in my back and leg so horrible that I could find no relief, could not stand, or sit, bend, or lay without screaming pain.  Surprisingly this became a blessing.

A friend had lent me a CD about be curious when things are difficult.  Instead of wishing them away or attempting to push them out of your life, the woman on the tape encourage me to simply wonder what that might feel like…experience it without judgement…be in the moment.

The pain began to subside.  And eventually I began practicing this curiosity in other areas where “Pain” was present…. even the pain of existence.  So what was it like to be in this body if I was not trying to change it? What if….. instead of hating my body, I loved it? What would that look like?

I became very curious about it. 

What if instead of having a weigh-loss ticker or exercise measuring gauge on my homepage…what if I could have a self-love ticker.  What would it look like?  How could I give myself credit for self-love?  And would loving myself help me to lose weight or would it just keep me where I was?  Was it fair to want to lose weight if I was trying to love my body as it was?

(I know…LOTS of questions….but that is what happens when I get curious.)

Flash Forward to today. 

I found myself making rally good choices for my body.  And not the kind where I have to really talk myself into eating the way I SHOULD.  It’s more like ….NATURAL.  I look for the healthiest choice at each meal.  I have anything I want and then cut back a bit for the next meal, or next day.  I find myself LOOKING more beautiful…although I can’t really tell you why.

I think my skin glows with self-love. I think my husband is more attracted to me.  I get winks from guys at University.  Could it be that self-love has this much POWER?!

A few of us have been dialoguing about Self-Love, Body Acceptance and Intuitive Eating in the Weightloss Challenge Forum.  I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to have a place in the world where caring for your body holds more importance than the media images and body biases that much of the world pushes.

I am so grateful for Buddy Slim…as I know many of us are.  This has been the place where loving myself… flaws and all…. took root.  I am starting to see the leaves on my stems and expect flowers and fruit before too long.

 Rae