The Body Practice

I am dancing around, kicking up my heels, wiggling my beautiful, round hips.  Skipping for joy and singing, “Rejoice!”  This is it!  THis is it!  This is it! I lost 7 pounds over the last two weeks. 

I have been eating at home a bit more and trying to make better choices…one of which includes water.  This sight is another thing.  It is like getting to visit the “REALITY” where you find the hope, courage, strength and support to live out the dream that has such a hard time existing in out current reality.  So I practice being healthy here, fill my mind with healthy thoughts, surround myself with hopeful people and before I know one reality blends with the other.  And then I really an “LoveItLite!”

Give me an “H”….”H”!   Give me a “2″….”2″!    Give me an “O”…”O”!  What does it spell?  WATER!  Yay!  I have been feeling really stuck and guzzling the wet stuff got me out of my rut.  I know it isn’t a secret at all.  We hear about it ALL the time…get in your 8 glasses of water.  Did you get yours in today?  But my gosh, it does do some great good. 

I got up today after feeling sick the last several days.  I was sitting on the couch and stuck my right foot out in front of me and realized my ankle appeared the size it is supposed to be!  Later, I slipped on my pants to run off to school and had to keep tugging them up because I was afraid they might ride down below my hips and make their way down to my ankles.  WHEN HAVE I EVER HAD THAT FEAR!  Never!

But the last several days, my mind has just changed or shifted a bit.  I sometimes feel so overwhelmed by the idea of losing weight.  I have been the big girl since 3rd grade.  My doctor says she wouldn’t know me any other way…she isn’t one of those who tries to shove weightloss surgery and stuff on me…I think she just wants me to love myself.  I think maybe that is the strongest medicine!

So my dad started in with the surgery stuff last week.  I listened and let it slide right over me.  He studdered because he know he was on thin ice from all the fights we have had in the past about weight.  But I just stayed centered.  When I walked away, I wondered what had changed.  I don’t just think I don’t have to be thin in my lifetime.  I saw a woman the other day who had lost a lot of weight and the skin just hung on her.  That is okay for her…but I just want to feel good.  I don’t have to be so thin that my skin doesn’t fit. 

I rememeber weighing about 275 at one point and feeling like a ROCKSTAR.  People treated me like one too.  That would be a weighloss of about 50ish pounds.  Isn’t that doable?!  I think it must be.  And I want it to happen. 

Honestly though, some things have to change for it to happen.  I have to eat from home more.  I am addicted to resturant food.  In church this evening, a woman I know was struggling over addiction.  I felt sorry for her, but in reality, there are things that I don’t stop any more than she does.  I am addicted to fast eating…not necessarily fast food….just food that you sit down, say what you want, and it magically appears before you in a few minutes.  Or the magic window you drive up to, say what you want and it ends up in your hand and down your throat before your car stops again.

That is not the life I want.  It has so little meaning.  But when I cook my own food and can be creative, make something that is healthy…pray before I eat and then mindfully nourish myself, that’s the Slow Foood way. 

And exercise.  This afternoon as I was walking to my class, I felt so amazing!  I got to the class without my feet or back hurting.  This is a vast difference from the year before when I considered dropping out of school because I was in more pain than I thought I could handle.  But life is good for me right now.  I walk a long way through the campus.  I am doing it!

So I just wanna say to everyone that visits my blog that I believe I can do it today.  I wanna see 275.  That may sound like a lot to some people, but it would be a blessing for me.  It’s all relative.  It felt so amazing when I was there before.  I had lots of energy and felt good about the way I looked.  I felt good about myself.

Thanks for listening,

Rae

This morning my hubby went to get breakfast for us after a long day filled with festivities and fun.  When he came back, he informed me that his car had been broken into during the night.  The lock had been jimmied and it seemed they had rifled through, but as far as we could tell, they didnt take anything. 

It makes me so uneasy!  I am walking around the house looking at our doors differently…looking at windows to see if you might be able to break in.  Its that huge uncertainty! It just comes with being alive.

I don’t really even care about our stuff.  I care about my own safety and the safety of my family.  I have been mugged before, and it took me on a weight gaining, anxiety filled roller coaster for a good 7 years.

Some tricks I have learned from that is to initially talk about the incident, but don’t obsess about it.  At some point I just have to let go and live.

I am sure for a short bit of time I will be on alert.  But I am going to keep breathing and most of all, being thankful that no one was hurt.  And reality, I don’t think anything was taking…except for needing to fix the car door now.  But that can easily enough happen.

 Thanks for listening,

Rae

What if doing something new and fresh was a habit?  So often, I get stuck in the rituals of my life…do this at this time…eat the same food…wear the same clothes….say the same cliches.  The last couple of weeks, I have been taking the opportunity to do something spontaneous. 

My hubby and I love those mushroom rings that form after rain.  This month we have had plenty of it!  So the mushrooms are starting to form.  We jokingly call ourselves the Society of ToadStool Sitters and the Wondering Fairy Ring Brigade!  I know we are goofs, but we can’t help it.   That’s how we roll!

So this evening we went to our favorite coffee shop, listened to our favorite band, visited with the same people we always visit with (God love them!)  I had had about enough of habits as I could stand!  I was feeling BORED.  I tell the kids I work with that the “B” word…and in this case I mean bored…is not a nice word.  Because if you are really bored, you WANT to be!  So I was….and I couldn’t complain one bit!

As we were driving through our neighborhood we spotted a fairy ring (mind you, this is at 11:00 at night).  I remembered spotting one earlier in the day and wanting to share it with him, I asked if he was up for an adventure.  He was!  So we went searching for mushrooms.  (The best are the ones that grow in a ring.  The bigger the ring, the older the mushroom organism.)

About 10 minutes away we found one in the yard of a church.  It was about 4 feet across.  Then I decided to keep the adventure going.  I got on the freeway and headed south.  After about another 10 minutes, he asked where we were going. 

TO THE BEACH!  I said.  And off we were!  Just me, my honey, and the peak-a-boo moon.  Someone had built a sand castle that the waves teasingly taunted.  A pair of old fishermen waded in the surf and met back at the beach tables to share a story and a coke.  We climbed up on one of the tables and hugged like we were newly in love.  The cool waves washed across our feet on a short seaside walk and the breeze cradled us in all the aroma of spontaneity. 

Doing something new keeps life fresh, I think.  And I wonder if by engaging in that “off the beaten path” nature I might create a more natural tendancy towards new habits.  Might that make me more likly to push my comfort zone occasionally?  Might that create a mindset of choosing my next step instead of mindlessly making the same automatic choices which have guided me to this place of discomfort?

It’s just a theory for now.  I will let you know how the experiment goes.  Curiosity is our friend!

So some years ago I realized what I wanted to be when I grow up.  An artist, spiritual workshop leader, massage therapist, counselor, wise woman and performance artist. Some how in my mind, they all went together.  Well this month, I am getting to do them ALL! 

Counseling: Starting my second year in grad school to become a counselor.  In the Spring I get to start my practicum!  (Blows my mind!)

Artist:  had two commissions and a request to donate my art to a fund raise for a local arts co-op

Massage Therapist:  Started working at a wellness center called Angel Light that includes attention to spiritual health

Spiritual Workshop Leader: Teaching a workshop on Mandalas and Meditation.  I have wanted to teach this workshop FOREVER…now I am getting to do it!

Performance Artist:  I have been asked to emcee the fundraiser (above) and am going to be in costume and in character.  FUN!

Wise Woman:  Two of my good friends are getting married this month and have asked me to officiate.  This will be my third wedding.  It is fun helping people honor their commitment to love.

I am feeling some pressure to organize all these different things, but for the most part it seems to be falling into place. Sharing my joy.

 And isn’t it great that I didn’t have to say…..when I get to my ideal weight I will….

I am living life today!

Rae

Last February my hubby and I had the opportunity to adopt a baby.  We fully embraced the idea, as if we had been blessed with a pregnancy.  The birth mother was due at the beginning of April.  And just weeks before we might have taken the little one into our home, she decided to raise her child.  Gee, I can’t blame her. 

 Today, I went to the little town where the mother works.  I had been avoiding the place because I just wasn’t ready to run into her.  But today, I knew I could do it.  I thought it might be hard…the first time just will be. 

Some part of me scanned every person we passed in the town…although I had gone for a get-away.  My friend and I shopped and had lunch, drove around and enjoyed ourselves.  But there was that one sad, searching part of me that wished to see the baby I had invited into my heart before her mother was ready to do that. 

This evening, I have been kind of quiet.  My body is hurting more that it usually does.  I kept wanting to write about something cheerful…it is easy for that to be my personae here on the site.  But when I asked my hands what they wanted to type, they wanted to share this with you.  My disappointment, my grief….which I hardly even talk about anymore…my pain.

I know I will have my own child someday.  I just don’t think that desire can be put on your heart without the blessing coming with it. 

I just needed a place for my sorrow today.  Some days I just want to be with my Shadow.  So often, it is held away from The Light.

Rae

So I had a Ya Ya Sisterhood Party last night.  The air was thick with the smell of our favorite foods, melting hot glue for homemade head dresses, the occasional glass of wine, incense and long burning candles, and varying layers of perfume from the 6 women who gathered.  A brownie crusted, marshmellowy, raspberry drizzled yummy thing floated with us from kitchen to living room.  And this morning as I woke, I found the fridge stacked with two plates of left-over delicacy the my dear cousin made. 

I grabbed one straight off.  Ate the first bite walking down the hall, chewed as I logged on.  Mindlessly took another bite.  Then scanned my profile page.  Picked it up to take the third bite.  The reality in my head of what  was seeing on the sight and what I was experiencing in my mouth didn’t jive.  I could be the BuddySlimmer I wanna be and continue to eat this.  So I set it to the right.  And there it sits, witnessing the typing of this blog.

I feel like the executioner.  I want to destory these helpless little treats before they destroy me!  I am not sorry for what I am going to do to you little brownie.  The way I see it, this is war!  You may sit there half-eaten, yapping out your sweet talk of how great it would be to have the rest of you or maybe even a second…your twin who waits for me in the fridge.  But I will not let you be a parasite to my will.  I will be the victory on this rainy day.  Even though my dear cousin slaved over some mixing bowl for you, I will not give into your lovely temptations.  You are going DOWN… and I don’t mean my throat….you are going down the drain…to be chewed up by the blades of my disposal.  You are outa here!

So, the scale decided to start the race over again.  I am back at zero, but feeling inspired instead of discouraged.  Then I began remembering some good advice I once read.  Where was it that I found such great advice on losing weight and living a beautiful life?  Advice that seemed to be written just for me? My conscious mind searched the files of my subconscious mind for the author of those wise words.  Then I remembered it was ME.  I had written them in my blog.  The words that spell out just what exactly works for ME.  

(image fromhttp://www.tasi.ac.uk/images/flickr-words.jpg)

 It is amazing the wisdom that can be accessed when we put fingers to keys in an effort to share with others and document for ourselves.  The blog….weightloss tool for the new millenium.

Stepping on the scale yesterday (after a short while away from Buddy Slim) I found my weight back to where I started from.  The thought that ran through my head was not bashing myself for failure or cursing the Fates, but instead I thought, “such is life.”

 (Image from www.selfcareadvocacy.com).

This morning when I woke, I stared out at a corner of the sky that shows in one of my windows.  I turned around in my bed so that my head was at the foot of it.  And I thought about the roundness of my body and the path that I had unintentionally strayed from.  The path included more WHOLE foods and less FAST food (or the way I like to say is…more SLOW foods). 

Then I remembered the “trick” for me to losing weight. It wasn’t about a diet or buckling down.  My trick exists in the practice of self-love.  I began the journey this last time with a curiosity.  “What if….I practiced loving myself today and put that love into action….what would happen?”  I let go of the outcome…because for me that was always the dangerous part…and I embraced today.  Love myself today.  Not at an arbitrary number…but today.

So although I have stepped back on the scale to see those old numbers, they are not without their magic.  Today I decide to focus on loving myself with action.  I don’t have to start over, I just have to continue my practice.

Now I know this is not DIET talk.  The old voices inside me keep poking their heads up to say…what about fat grams and cutting back…what about setting some goal…a small goal…to work toward?  My answer to those voices is…I tried that…and it never,ever worked.  But this did.  And I am so grateful to have it.