The Body Practice

My concentration of late in regard to weight loss has been not to concentrate on weight loss, but to focus on loving myself.  I don’t count calories or regularly exercise or keep myself from eating this or that.   For now, my way is to gain in self-love.  

To me, this idea is like the process of making cordials (a sweet alcoholic drink infused with herbs, fruit, or nuts…made for sipping).  When you make cordials, you add your herbs to the vodka and let it sit for a long while…month, maybe more, then the vodka takes on the flavor of the herb; you sweeten it and let it sit some more.  Then it is ready for sipping.  It is a slow drink, takes patience, but the more time and love you give it, the smoother it goes.  It feels magical in this way.

I am infusing myself with love.   Everyday, attempting to draw another layer of flavor from it and into me so that eventually there will be no difference between the two of us, and upon tasting, I will be melodious with the whisperings of “I love myself”. 

I have tried to do healthy eating other ways.   I am always disappointed.   My emotions flare up and suddenly I am lost in compulsion and unable to pull myself out.  I am weary of that.  Weight loss has become a kind of spiritual crisis for me.  I struggle with doing it by myself.  I know I can’t.  That is part of the reason I chose this site and the people here.  The other part of my “plan” is a power greater than myself…love.  Together, I hope this will lead me to a spiritual awakening. 

I don’t know if any of this makes sense to anyone.  It is where my path is today.   I feel like practicing self-love will eventually lead to me chosing loving foods and loving movement and loving thoughts of myself floating around in my head and lovingly existing with the rest of the world.  Then perhaps I will be less tempted by compulsion or more able to bring myself back to love more quickly.

Self-Love Challenge:  Today I slept in and indulged in the slumberous weather outside.

Rae

Flashback to my early college years when I procrastinated and ended up staying up all night cramming for a test.  I just can’t do it anymore.  So off to bed with the prayer that I can get it taken care of in the morning.

Self-Care Goal:  Not beating myself up.  Honoring my body with sleep.

 zzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzz

Rae

I am enrolled in school right now, and the class I am taking has only two days out of the entire year in which items have to be turned in.  Wednesday is one of those days; I have three papers and a presentation due.  I have put off doing them, couldn’t get my mind to kick in or something.  But the end is in sight and I think I might just make it. 

 I struggled a bit this weekend because I had more back pain from my injury than I had experienced for awhile.  But it seems, if nothing else, to be under control.  I still get afraid that I will be stricken down by intense pain like I was this Summer.  I am working on staying in the moment when the pain comes and not jumping into WHAT IF…  I was in such a bad place then.  I pray to God I never have it that bad again. 

Maybe I will trying riding my bike again tomorrow to see how it feel on my back.  It is a recumbant bike, so there is less stress than on a traditional bike.  I love to ride it.  But progress is still slow.  The important thing is that there is PROGRESS!

Personal Self-Love Challenge: Today I got up a little extra early so that I could take my time getting ready for work.  I think I am turning into a morning person.  What a concept!   I also took care of paying some bills I have without stressing over the money.  Most importantly, when I felt the pressure of school, instead of beating myself up for having writer’s block, I took a breath and reminded myself of my dream…of why I am in school.  That really helped! I even took a HUGE leap of faith in myself and registered for 3 classes for the Spring today.  I have never taken 3 classes at the Graduate level.  I will be working as well.  But I think I can do it, I am becoming a better student.

 Take care all, Thanks for Sharing!

Rae 

Before I step on the scale this morning I claim how I was successful this week.   This is what moves my Self-Love Ticker.  

This week, I have …

• considered all the many and the mini parts of myself, not just the DIETER in me.  (I have considered the Dieter, but more from a standpoint of offering healing for all the torturous /humiliating things that were done in the name of slimness and beauty).  
• listened to my body, to its cravings, to its pains, to the delights and joys. 
• cultivated happiness within myself and flet it bubble over to effect others.   
• cooked at home more.
• drank more water this week.
• chosen to trust my body to move more even though I sometimes first held on to the old habit of asking someone to help me.  I can do more now that I am feeling better.  Knowing when to ask for help is a bit trickier because I can do morebut not everything.  I am figuring it out.

So with my successes lined up, I step onto the scale.  Knowing that it is a tool for me and not the beginning or ending of the world.  And it is certainly not a reflection of how I measure up to others….and is not the only reflection of how I measure up to myself.

 Rae

What if we had a self-love ticker?  What would yours look like? 

Mine might be a feather boa with a heart that slid along the scale, and when I moved it, it would purr like a happy kitten.   I would start with numbers kinda low and work higher and higher each week.  I would measure my abiltiy to self-love by how I advocated for myself with the voices of self-doubt, blame, shame, and guilt.   And just like we work out each day, I might spend 20 minutes in my journal or the bath or in front of the mirror telling myself what specifically is so awesome about me.  I would come on-line and say….I had a really hard self-love workout this afternoon.  My inner critics were aching pretty bad.  But my heart feels full.  It was worth it.

For me that is what has to come with the extra water, health food and movement.  That is what will make it work.  That’s the muscle I am having to build first. 

 Rae

As I said in my earlier blogs, I am recovering from an injury to my back.  It seems to be kind of tempermental, in that, sometimes I might so this or that and feel pain.  Sometimes the pain is doable, sometimes, it is too intense.  I have just been trying to stay away from what hurts. 

 That being said, I also want to exercise.  Mostly I would like to bike.  I have biked 2 times since the injury.  The first time was really hard…that was about a week ago.  Then again yesterday, and that was more enjoyable.  My doctor wants me to start out at 5 minutes.  So that is what I have been doing…and honestly, my body was hurt enough by the injury that I am only able to do 5.   

The scary thing is that I have been hurting more this week than the weeks before.  But how long can I go on without moving.  I just can’t keep that up.  So I am going to ride a few more times and see what happens.  I think part of the pain my be from sitting wrong while on the computer.  I am spending more time on the ‘puter for school and b/c we recently got the internet in the house.  I just have to listen to my body.

 Isn’t that what all this is about anyway?  Am I hungry for food or is my heart hungry for connection?  Do I need to put food in my mouth or let my mouth say what I am feeling?  My body wants to be my teacher.  Can I be a good student to it?

 Well, I want to commit today to continue to move.  Walk up the stairs when I need to, play with my students, dance to the song on the radio, hug my husband often, bike, meditate.  This is my life in motion.  I deserve to live it.

Rae

I started setting the stones of my new path today.  Probably the most amazing thing I did for myself was to buy a scale.  I haven’t had one in my home since 1990.  I couldn’t deal with them.  Then recently, I stepped onto the scale at my Drs. office and felt my reality shift.  It was as if I stepped onto the scale and the world turned to a new way of existing.  I could see what a handy tool it could be if it was not my enemy.  I once say a scale that an artist had painted with affirmations.  I decided to decorate my scale in honor of  a “modern goddess” I read about once in a book.  She is the goddess who you call out to when she makes fabulous things happen…her name is Score.  That is whose name I want to shout out (with my fist exuberently cast up into the air) each time I step on the scale … SCORE!!!! 

Other parts of my day….Shared my blog with my hubby, made better than normal food choices, got out of the house and into new places (had a sack lunch with hubby on the bay….watched the waves lapping the shore), changed my inner dialogue.  I am proud of the shift!

 I appreciated the support from others who read my blog.  What a beautiful thing that people can make another feel good just by leaving a message. 

 I am on break at work.  There are some food challenges here usually.  I will try to make good decisions today, and use the day to decide what I can do this week to take care of myself…. I may write later to organize tomorrow.  I want to go shopping for food.

 Score!

Rae

I have been watching the wheel of the year slowly turn over the past six months.  An injury to my back and intense pain set me to the practice of being in the moment, fighting my fears of the future and questioning what in my past could have created such havoc to my spine and nerves.  This came out of the blue.  I had been exercising.  I was taking control of my life. 

 This past weekend, I met a personal goal of becoming a minister for the wedding of couples.  As I performed my first wedding, I felt myself holding on to the sacredness of guiding someone onto a path of new beginnings.   I realized I myself had stepped onto a new path, although I had not spent time discovering where it would lead.  No map, no guide.  So I decided to sit on a metephorical stone just to the side and make some decisions.  Where am I going?  What tools do I need to get there?  What changes do I need to make the journey viable?

 Some answers came, a journal….especially on my computer.  I have recently discovered the shift that working on my computer gives to me.   Community…I am a people person.  Spiritual connection….I can have faith about so much, but feel spiritually taxed in regard to weight loss.   Self-respect….one day at a time.

So I discovered this place.  And I have now created my first blog ever.  I think I might like it. 

 So I fall into shape, blessing myself where I am today, with my fears and doubts, courage and hope.  I ask that Ultimate Divinity that lives with in each of us to gently guide me into the becoming of all I am meant to be.  And with a heart open to the whispers of spirit, I step out onto the path that leads to my optimum wellness.

 Gratefully,

Rae