The Body Practice

So recently I started having increased PCOS symptoms.  Swelling in my legs, weight gain, depression.  NO fun! Go in to see my dr.  and have been given some meds to help me get to feeling better. 

 The meds require pretty healthy eating or they make me sick.  I lost 4 lbs overnight.  Water weight. 

 I have been eating well.  Really well…for 2 days now.  I may keep a kind of diary here just to have a place to keep track of how things are going.

I would be interested in visiting with others who have PCOS.  I am on soulcysters, but I like the buddy system and support here as well.

 Rae

So the semester end is looming just over the horizon.  I am feeling focused and in control.  I think I have enough time to make everything run smooooothly.  The trick for me is to stay balanced. 

What does that mean?  Well, I am big on self-care which sometimes translates into PLAY.  But that whips around and bites me in the cushy parts sometimes.  So I am redefining self-care for now to mean staying on track with studying and sleep.  I also have to make time to feed myself energizing food….that doesn’t mean lots of caffine or sugar…it means lots of veggies, fruit and good protein.  This isn’t a chore, it is really what I want. But when I push myself in the wrong ways, when I stay up late or run too hard, I don’t make time for shopping and have to depend on other sources of food. 

The other thing I am doing is that I am using my mind to help guide my actions and feelings.  It is a great tool, this mind of mine.  I have been doing creative visualization to keep me on track.  Visualizing myself at the end of this next week having all my ducks in a row, feeling superb and enjoying my sense of self-confidence. 

I did get hypnotized the other day. It went really well.  I will spend sometime writing about it after the smoke clears from school.  I will say I feel like a shift happened.  And I came to understand the workings of our psyches in a way I don’t think I would have ever understood without this experience.  I have a sense that I am much more in control of the things I thought were uncontrolable than I ever imagined.  We are as powerful as we are complex.  I think the key for me is not to be afraid to trust that amazing change can happen in my life, and it can happen quickly…in this moment.  Boom! Change.

Working for Change,

Rae 

 I am going to get hypnotised today.  At the beginning of the year, I started a class at the University to learn about Hypnosis.  Occasionally, our professor will ask for volunteers to demonstrate something.  Today, I am going to go under to address a fear I have of dying in my early to mid 40’s.  Since I turned 40 a week ago, the timing for this work couldn’t be more timely.

It might sound out of the blue that someone would fear dying so early in life or you may wonder where that comes from.  You see my grandfather died when he was 45.  Then my mother started to fear that she would.  They were close and I think she related strongly with him.  Her actual fear was that she wouldn’t make it to 45.  On her 45th birthday, she cried with relief.  Her fear hadn’t come true.  But seven months later, she had an untimely heart attack.  Boom!  She was in a coma and died 3 weeks later.  Was it Fate? Was it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Was it just a conincident?

Whatever it was, there is this part of me that has adopted her fear.  I have worked on it in therapy, journaled about it, tried to stop the thought…but bits of it still sit around like a stain I just can’t get rid of. 

Being overweight lends itself to supporting that mindset. Does the mindset create the weight?  Does the weight create the mindset? Some people believe that weight is not a reflection of health as much as activity is a reflection of health.  Thin people drop dead all the time.  My mother was thin and her father before her, that didn’t stop them from dying early.

This blog sounds pretty depressing, but in truth, it is about hope.  My teacher talks about being able to visit with the unconscious.  My hope is that she will make a good contact today. That the stain will be wiped clean and any part of my soul that is wounded by the fear can be healed forever. 

 I would like my 40’s to be a winding up time instead of a winding down time, a time of empowerment and manifestation, a time of fullness and fulfillingness, a time in which I can relax into life instead of fighting it.  A decade of becoming and beckoning rather than suppressing and forced sustaining. I would like this to be MY time.  I want to live for me, not live someone elses expectations of me. I want to set the rules and then break them for my own benefit.  I want today to feel like it is the day when I get my life given back to me so that I can run off with it into the bright sun of my vitality soaked existance.

Today, I cross the threshold, leaving behind the fears my mother and grandfather would never had wished me to inherit from them. Today, I claim a long, beautiful life, filled with connections, love, creativity, prosperity and grace.

Blessings,

Rae

So, I did it.  I turned 40 this week.  I did it up right with lots of friends, delicious food, good wine, better chocolate, and a big fat smile on my face.  There were lots of favorite things about my birthday…two of which I wanna share with you.  One is a realization and the other a really cool gift I got. 

First the gift.

My in-laws hooked me up right with a panini maker. And OMG!  It is divine.  Just think of all the quick, healthy, yummy food I can make!  Last night we made pot roast.  It was pretty good…but throw down a bit of bread, some spinach, tomatoe, and the leftovers. Press down the lid and MAGIC….left overs become gourmet munchables. 

Now part of my eating plan is to eat mindfully.  Duh!  With this panini maker, food gets really exciting. More crunch, more flavor, more creativity.  I have found when I enjoy my food, I need less. The more enjoyable the less I need to eat.  So with the panini thingy, I am eating less.

Then there are the veggies.  The more veggies I eat, the more vitamins and fiber.  Panini makers are great for sneaking veggies in.  Grilled veggies that are just cooked enough to enhance the flavor, but not so much that they are mushville…then match that with whole grain/multigrain bread.  Wah fricken la!  LOVE IT.

If any of you have a panini maker I would love to hear about your experiences with it.

NOw for the realization. 

 I was so tired the last couple of weeks that I had a hard time organizing my food, exercising or getting enough water.  Now if you have read my blogs you know I talk a lot about self-love.  I don’t know…one day I somehow knew that loving myself and having a healthy relationship with food were connected.  But the other night as I was about to collapse into bed, I understood it a bit deeper.  I wasn’t organized or exercising because I hadn’t been taking care of myself.  I had been pushing myself to stay awake at night and had not been getting enough sleep.  BALANCE.  Yah, I can stay up and have fun. But rest has to be a priority or the other stuff falls away and my food and exercise suffer. 

It may not sound huge, but I understood it in a powerful way. I have to sleep. I have to rest and relax. Sometimes I can’t because I am worried about how I feel physically…like ahh, I been overeating…or I sure wish I felt good enough to ride my bike. So I worry and don’t sleep….then because I don’t sleep, my food and exercise are off.  It is circular. One thing leads to the other.

 Well slimming ones, thanks for listening about these two things. I wish you a blessed week. My you have the perfect balance of things you need to make your life work.

 With grace and peace,

Rae

The countdown has begun on the turning of the wheel.  Today is my last day as a 30 something.  I remember in my twenties watching that show…I couldn’t wait to be 30-something.  They were the perfect age.  Things were happening in their lives.  Passion, angst, love, art, conflict.  I loved the show and it set a standard for the way I wanted my life to feel.

My thrities were some of the best years of my life thus far.  I left a marriage that wasn’t working, got to be single for the first time as an adult (I got married to my highschool sweetheart when I was 21).  Being single rocked.  I had a tight circle of friends.  We were political, artistic, almost tribal.  That felt like the 30 something show the most.  Our circle grew developmentally. People started following their dreams, moved off, or moved on.  Soon after that, I met my LOVE.  Eric.  Our story is sweet and I couldn’t have written it better myself.  We got married when I was 37.  One of my blogs talks more about that. 30 was also when I went back to school to get my masters.  I am still working on that.

 I wanted to use my blog today to say THANK YOU 30!  I have spent a good amount of time grieving that this decade will come to an end.  In a way, I feel like I am losing a friend.  But when I get centered, I can see that I am not losing or leaving anything as much as I am transforming.  I am blooming and becoming more rich. 

Am I the butterfly?

Or maybe a good wine?

A blooming flower?

The Earth?

The Universe?

As I leave this decade, I realize it is a time when I have used the last several years to plant big seeds for 40.  (Which, by the way, I hear the 40’s are great. And I have got to believe it.  SOme of the most fabulous women I know radiate in their 40s.)  I have a plethora of dreams scattered throughout the next 10 years.  And they are GRANDE, my friends….and beautiful… and they wait at my feel like children, bounding with the energy of all their many possibilities.

So as the minutes tick away on this last day, I sit in the in-between. This is a familiar place to me. One foot firmly planted in the security and memory of my 30’s, honoring its highs and lows for what they made of me….the other foot leaping at the years to come…my mouth watering at the mere thought of sinking my teeth into their promising sustanance. A 40-something feast.  A decade of decadance.

Goodbye my sweet 30’s…thank you.

Rae

A few years ago, I began an inward and downward spiral of not feeling so great about myself, my life, or my body.  I could feel 40 moving forward like an out of control freight train, lifetime dreams passing me by and my perception all out of wack with I-wish-I-coulda’s and but-I-never-got-ta’s.  The stress started to pour out of me, flooding my life with anxiety.  My relationships suffered, my self-esteem suffered, my weight increased and all that caused more stress.   I would have a few times of reprive when I might see things clearly, but it seemed I would get wiped out again. 

 I decided to invest in taking care of myself in a holistic way…that is to say, I would practice loving myself. Truely understanding and building compassion with genuineness for who I was…all the broken parts, rolls of fat, hair in weird places, uneven, smelly, realness that makes up me.  And more than that, I would love myself to look at the beauty of myself as well. The way the little mound of roundness just above my bellybutton feels when I sit in my car or the way the scar on my wrist tells a special story about me, the way my mouth twist when I smile and the way my husbands had has a long undulating journey when he runs it down the side of my body.  I wanted to look at myself in the way some does who wants to know and care about every little nuance.

Somewhere along the way, that became more the norm than doubting myself.  Somewhere along the way, I started to relax and trust in myself and in the way I make life happen…in a way I don’t ever remember doing.  And then I practiced being courageous in small ways.  And that made a little bit of change happen. So I practiced being more courageous and I looked for the change.  And the change was there. 

Then the things I had wanted to change for along time, like feeling depressed and anxious, fat and listless…those things subsided and were replaced by energy, awareness, hope, and faith in my self and in the power of love.

This week I realized I am not depressed anymore.  I feel a weight lift.  And as it does, the fat stops sticking around.  Gosh, and I swear that some of the same things I am doing now, I have done before without any change in the scales.  The fat seems to stick around more when you are….when I am depressed or down heartened.  But practicing LOVE gives me a light heart…and that is creating a lighter body.  It doesn’t match what the diet books say. But it is true in my life.  When things are sticky in my life…the fat sticks around.  When I let go…so does the fat.

Grateful for the light that is shining on me and grateful for the courage to invest in things that feed my spirit. 

Rae

A few blogs ago, Melanie shared with me about Paul McKenna and his technique called tapping. You can look up Paul McKenna on-line or  check out this youtube for tapping.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQv1JBZ197Q

 Tapping isn’t totally foreign to me (play on words, I suppose, since McKenna is fromt he UK and I am from the US). A friend of mine introduced me to it years ago, but I wasn’t listening.  But I was curious about it when Melanie shared, so I looked it up and one synchronicity led to another and before I knew it I was dreaming I was tapping my face while a woman in Ireland danced to Celtic music.  (I have WEIRD dreams!)

 But it has been helpful…I don’t know if it is a placebo effect or if it actually realigns thought patterns and energies….heck, I don’t care.  But it helped me chill out when I was losing patience with my hubby yesterday, kept me from stopping off for fast food on the way home and helped me get my taxes to the accountant in a much cheerier mood than ever before. 

All of those are important, but the food is especially good.  You see I am tired, and feeling sorry for myself because I need sleep and really wish I could stay up and cram for the test I have tomorrow.  So I wanted to eat…maybe have a big caffinated something.  BUT NO.  I tapped out on plans of numbing out with food.  And now I am going to tap into my power to practice rigorous self-love and self-care… So I am chatting a bit to connect with my buds and then off to bed.  I have 10 minutes before I want my head to hit the pillow.

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t think tapping is the only thing in the world when it comes to weightloss.  But it has now become a way of WELLNESS for me.

  And that has replaced my diet mentality.  I am taking care of myself in so many ways that I can’t say what is working.  I think the fact that I am caring for myself is working.  It is the self-love that is working.  Love heals all.

How I practice LOVING myself…

getting massage… riding my bike… listening to when I am tired… stopping negitive thoughts about myself… prayer… drinking water so I am hydrated and clean on the inside… slowing down… chosing slow food (at home) instead of fast food… practicing courage… practicing challenges for myself like just 25 more steps at a fast pace (builds my self-esteem)… saying yes to foods I love…. dressing for myself… keeping a file on things I am doing that I feel proud of… setting goals for myself that aren’t weight and food related… saying never again to diets… saying yes to joy… feeling my feelings even when I am uncomfortable… keeping my house more tidy…. long baths…. candles and aromatherapy… therapy… being more present when I eat and when I visit with others… sitting outside more…. taking the beautiful way home… AHHH, TIME FOR BED.

 Night friends, may your dreams be blessed and may you fall in love with yourself at least twice before you leave your home tomorrow.

We all deserve happiness,

Rae

So I meet with the accountant on Monday…I know no one will want to read this blog…I wouldn’t!  I cringe at the thought of paying taxes, talking about them or even thinking of them.  But if you are feeling brave and can lend a buddy an ear…I am venting.

So I just put off and put off tax day.  Always have.  Usually file an extention…no fun.  But this year, even though it is right around the corner, I have an appointment and am getting my stuff together.  But it is soooo uncomfortable.  I am not good at organizing all the junk we have to take care and so I am looking and searching.  I know there has to be an easier way.

 But the payoff this year is that I could get financial aid for school.  And we need it.  So I am doing the hard work and pushing past my block.  Just writing about it is helpful.

And I like our new accountant.  She is understanding and wants to work with us. We have had an out of town accountant.  And that is just difficult. 

ANyway, for those who read this, thanks for listening.  I feel less like I am cowering in a corner.

Maybe that means I am making a change of how I do things.  Perhaps next year I can be on top of things with no prob.  That would definately be nice.  I will dream on that.

Rae

Big THANK YOU to Melanie75 for sharing about Paul McKenna’s tools for changing your thinking!  She left a message on my last blog that sent me on a beautiful wild goose chase.  Luckily, I caught the goose and learned a new tool for dealing with unwanted feelings.  The timing was great too.  I just got out of Hypnosis class at the Univ. My teacher had been talking about the success of weightloss in hypnosis…not a very good track record for keeping it off.  I have started dropping the pounds since I started doing hypnosis about a month ago.  And I am thinking…darn it….now I have to push past that thought barrier. 

But watching Paul McKenna it hit me!  I think there is a revolution happening in weightloss.  I think some people have found that dieting absolutely does not work for them.  (I am one of those people.)  I think there is a shift in the way people are thinking about eating that says…eat what you want….when you are hungry…..til you are full….eat in a conscious way.  I am hearing from places other than just Paul McK.  Intuitive Eating talks about it….Why French Women Don’t Get Fat….Why Weight?  All these places are saying the same thing.  I think with that major premise shift, weightloss does become permanent for those who diets have failed. 

For those of you reading my blog who are dieting.  I am writing about my perspective and as I do that, I realize that you are passionate about what you are doing.  And what you are doing may be working for you.  That is what I want!  I want you to get what you need.  So please don’t take my personal stance on diet as a universal stance.  I don’t have a beef with your way….it just doesn’t work for everyone.  And that is why I am writing about it.

Well, I have my lunch packed and I am off to work, school, and counseling practicum.  I hope your day is filled with brilliance.

Sincerely,

Rae

So I recently went to a workshop about poetry as a means to healing.  I am going to dive in to using it on my blog now and then…..and now…FOR THE NOW!

 My stressor is Anxiety….   I have been eating less and eating uber healthy, exercising, losing weight, transforming my life.  And since I have turned away from food, I find I am sitting with my feelings more.  The most uncomfortable and most present feeling is Anxiety.  Over the course of the next several blogs, I want to explore what Anxiety is like, how I do Anxiety and what I can understand from it.

Here is my start:

If I had to turn Anxiety into a person…to personify Anxiety, I might describe her in this way…

Anxiety is a woman who paces the recesses of my mind, wring her hands, mumbling to herself, making more animal sounds than human ones.  Sometimes her hands will stop their circular hunt to break out in expression and exasperbation of whatever they are trying so hard to strangle.  EeerRraHHHH! And the hands fling up to the sky, the situation of discontent appearing to fly into the air with flight-to-freedom wings, only to be captured once more with an obsessive coo, a nashing of the teeth, eyebrows knitted in compulsive concentration dual hands matched in wrestle grasp circulation.  The Dance of Anxiety.

Rae