loveitlite

Last February my hubby and I had the opportunity to adopt a baby.  We fully embraced the idea, as if we had been blessed with a pregnancy.  The birth mother was due at the beginning of April.  And just weeks before we might have taken the little one into our home, she decided to raise her child.  Gee, I can’t blame her. 

 Today, I went to the little town where the mother works.  I had been avoiding the place because I just wasn’t ready to run into her.  But today, I knew I could do it.  I thought it might be hard…the first time just will be. 

Some part of me scanned every person we passed in the town…although I had gone for a get-away.  My friend and I shopped and had lunch, drove around and enjoyed ourselves.  But there was that one sad, searching part of me that wished to see the baby I had invited into my heart before her mother was ready to do that. 

This evening, I have been kind of quiet.  My body is hurting more that it usually does.  I kept wanting to write about something cheerful…it is easy for that to be my personae here on the site.  But when I asked my hands what they wanted to type, they wanted to share this with you.  My disappointment, my grief….which I hardly even talk about anymore…my pain.

I know I will have my own child someday.  I just don’t think that desire can be put on your heart without the blessing coming with it. 

I just needed a place for my sorrow today.  Some days I just want to be with my Shadow.  So often, it is held away from The Light.

Rae

So I had a Ya Ya Sisterhood Party last night.  The air was thick with the smell of our favorite foods, melting hot glue for homemade head dresses, the occasional glass of wine, incense and long burning candles, and varying layers of perfume from the 6 women who gathered.  A brownie crusted, marshmellowy, raspberry drizzled yummy thing floated with us from kitchen to living room.  And this morning as I woke, I found the fridge stacked with two plates of left-over delicacy the my dear cousin made. 

I grabbed one straight off.  Ate the first bite walking down the hall, chewed as I logged on.  Mindlessly took another bite.  Then scanned my profile page.  Picked it up to take the third bite.  The reality in my head of what  was seeing on the sight and what I was experiencing in my mouth didn’t jive.  I could be the BuddySlimmer I wanna be and continue to eat this.  So I set it to the right.  And there it sits, witnessing the typing of this blog.

I feel like the executioner.  I want to destory these helpless little treats before they destroy me!  I am not sorry for what I am going to do to you little brownie.  The way I see it, this is war!  You may sit there half-eaten, yapping out your sweet talk of how great it would be to have the rest of you or maybe even a second…your twin who waits for me in the fridge.  But I will not let you be a parasite to my will.  I will be the victory on this rainy day.  Even though my dear cousin slaved over some mixing bowl for you, I will not give into your lovely temptations.  You are going DOWN… and I don’t mean my throat….you are going down the drain…to be chewed up by the blades of my disposal.  You are outa here!

So, the scale decided to start the race over again.  I am back at zero, but feeling inspired instead of discouraged.  Then I began remembering some good advice I once read.  Where was it that I found such great advice on losing weight and living a beautiful life?  Advice that seemed to be written just for me? My conscious mind searched the files of my subconscious mind for the author of those wise words.  Then I remembered it was ME.  I had written them in my blog.  The words that spell out just what exactly works for ME.  

(image fromhttp://www.tasi.ac.uk/images/flickr-words.jpg)

 It is amazing the wisdom that can be accessed when we put fingers to keys in an effort to share with others and document for ourselves.  The blog….weightloss tool for the new millenium.

Stepping on the scale yesterday (after a short while away from Buddy Slim) I found my weight back to where I started from.  The thought that ran through my head was not bashing myself for failure or cursing the Fates, but instead I thought, “such is life.”

 (Image from www.selfcareadvocacy.com).

This morning when I woke, I stared out at a corner of the sky that shows in one of my windows.  I turned around in my bed so that my head was at the foot of it.  And I thought about the roundness of my body and the path that I had unintentionally strayed from.  The path included more WHOLE foods and less FAST food (or the way I like to say is…more SLOW foods). 

Then I remembered the “trick” for me to losing weight. It wasn’t about a diet or buckling down.  My trick exists in the practice of self-love.  I began the journey this last time with a curiosity.  “What if….I practiced loving myself today and put that love into action….what would happen?”  I let go of the outcome…because for me that was always the dangerous part…and I embraced today.  Love myself today.  Not at an arbitrary number…but today.

So although I have stepped back on the scale to see those old numbers, they are not without their magic.  Today I decide to focus on loving myself with action.  I don’t have to start over, I just have to continue my practice.

Now I know this is not DIET talk.  The old voices inside me keep poking their heads up to say…what about fat grams and cutting back…what about setting some goal…a small goal…to work toward?  My answer to those voices is…I tried that…and it never,ever worked.  But this did.  And I am so grateful to have it.

 Recently I have started exercising on a more regular basis.  This is a major step for me in many regards.  First, I have been recovering from a major injury in which even sitting could be extremely painful.  Next, I have rarely been one to get regular exercise.  Lastly, personal safety issues sometimes stand in the way of me being out without feeling some anxiety.

But, I have been working outside of those limits recently.  It began with a walk several weeks ago.  My husband was getting something serviced at a department store.  I was bored and feeling spunky, so I decided to walk a few laps.  I felt great.  My back felt strong, I walked around for about 5 minutes.  I could feel the blood starting to pump, felt oxygen in my veins.  When he was done, we went to the bookstore where we usually hang out. I suggested we might walk around the building a few times.  He was totally up for it.  So we did, and the next morning the weight FELL off.  I was amazed.

Earlier this week, I rode my bike to the store in our neighborhood and did some grocery shopping. I live in a really warm…down right hot… part of the country.  But I decided to take water and going in the late afternoon.  I had so much fun.  I have one of those low bikes that you sit in.  It was one of the things I wished hard to do once my back was healed.  I have tried riding it a few times in the last 3 months but have been so weak it was difficult.  This time it worked like a charm.  I am really healing. 

Two days later, I put in a dance DVD that I had found when I was sick and bought in hopes of feeling better someday.  When I plugged it in, I celebrated my good health.  I could dance about 5 minutes and stretched for the next 20.  I felt great.

Then yesterday, I was hanging out at a little healthy food cafe and I got tired of sitting.  I decided to use their treadmill.  I usually walk for 5 minutes and get tuckered out.  But yesterday, I decided to see what it would be like to go and extra 30 seconds…a minute later, I had made it to SIX.  It sounds like such a short walk, but for me it is huge.  And I will take it over debilitating pain anyday.

 I am so grateful to my body’s ability to heal.

I decided I would become an ACTivist.  I am defining that as a person who is active and enjoys it…perhaps even defines part of their life by it. 

I will post occasionally to keep track for myself…and you too if you like…what it is like to be an ACTivist.

Thanks for listening and for your support,

Rae

So I have been teaching some journaling workshops thought I would share about blogging.  Certainly I am not an expert, but wanted to offer possible direction for how to blog for those who might like that.  Take what you like and leave the rest.

Basically, you have several ways of approaching it.  As you can see when you visit different blogs, each person writes about a different thing in a different way. 

 You can do free-flow…you start writing and see where it goes.  It may not even make perfect sense or may sound like rambling.  There is nothing wrong with that.  It is simply a form of journaling…and a valuable one at that!

 You can also pick a topic and see where your writing takes you.  That for me is a way of letting my abstract thoughts find form on the page. This is where the inner wisdom that we didn’t realize we had comes up through our words occasionally and shows itself to us.  For example, I may want to explore the idea of how self-love and weight loss are connected.  I just let the thoughts fall onto the page.

Some people find a more structured approach more suitable for them.  They may choose to have a log of food, exercise, goals, gratitudes, affirmations that work for them, ways to nurture themselves or solutions for how to avoid potentially difficult times with food.  This might also include a blog that someone works on over the course of some time, edits it carefully and makes sure it is polished.

Some blogs may be a kind of report.  The account may include the story of your day, the story of your life, a way of venting about something difficult or a celebration of some large or small success.

Certainly there are more ways to blog than this, and I would love to have others add to this to help inspire one another on ways to do what we do here.

The other part of this is to address WHY we blog.  Again, there are a number of reasons.  For some of us it is about accountability to ourselves or our community, for some of us it is about the catharsis of getting what is in us OUT of us.  Some blog to be in dialog with another (I think of this as communication and in a way as communion). 

And there’s the reason I do it.  It reminds me of what I have learned and how I have grown and helps me see that I am as worthy of those who blog with me.  If you can do it, I can do it.  If I share what is going on with me, you and I BOTH won’t feel so alone.

It is a way of creating our reality so to speak.  If I say….this is who I am and this is what I think…you respond to that….and I think…HOLY COW!  They believe in me…maybe I could believe in myself.  Cool, huh?

Let me know what I may have left out! 

Happy Blogging,

Rae

People are starting to notice that I have lost weight.  It is awesome.  I never realized what a big deal 10 lbs could be.  It is so little and so big all at the same time.  Somehow things just fell in place for me. ..or at least I found a path that works, that feels easier than when I try really hard…like in the past.  I love it.  Thanks for being here.  This place has become my haven.

Rae

My head is clear, my intentions set, fridge full of nothing but health, heart set on self-love.  I am inspired by the people around me and the choices I make for movement.  I have been beaming, I know it!  Healthy living is contagious and I have a bad case of it!  I am grateful and in awe of what is happening in my life.  Joy, joy, joy!  LoveitLite, Rae

I read once that your mind understands things in symbolism more that it does in just plain thought or intentions without the aid of a symbol to go with it.  This is why visualization works well.  Your mind believes it is in that reality.  Cool! Well, I have discovered a symbol which I think will help me communicate self-love and body acceptance to my mind.  It is called a belly chain.  I used to make them for friends years ago.  But would never DARE make one for myself. 

But today I was combing the net and came across a site called Shelly Belly.  She had stones that created a chain around your tummy.  I thought her designs were cool.  And I wished I could wear something like that.  Then I said, “Why the HECK not?!”

So I am going to make myself one!  I thought I could make it in  inch increments so that as my tummy changed from all the healthy choices I am making , I could clip off the segments.  They could be kept as a reminder of my success.  When I make it, I want to hold on to the thought of this art being for my healing. Kind of like a prayer for strength and gentleness with myself.

I haven’t shared much here about being an artist, but it is an important part of who I am.  When I can use that to help validate my path of healing, I am at my best. 

Will let you know how the chain goes.   Chains of love!

Sometimes the small things seem like miracles! Today I rode my bike to the store, bought healthy food, and rode home.  Easy right?!  Well last year I had hurt my back so badly that I could not sit, stand or lay down without being in screaming pain.  Everyday I wished to ride my bike again.  Once the pain subsided, I was so weak I couldn’t ride for 5 minutes and I hurt afterwards.  I have been afraid of the pain.  So today, it was overcast and rainy…when usually it is beating down HOT. So after a good rain shower, I pumped up the tires…got on and rode. 

I was nervous at first, not enjoying it…checking every muscle for signs of distress, then I decided to let go! I looked down the road to where the grocery store was.  My legs started to ache a bit.  But I pushed on, became aware of the blessing of the moment.  Reached back in time to the wounded self who didn’t want to give up that freedom and smiled at her.  I was riding. My dream came true!  I was doing it!

In the grocery store, I started looking for food to make green smoothies (all raw foods with greens and fruit).  Some friends had recommended them.  So I picked up a few things and loaded them into the basket on my bike…then to the road back home. 

The wind was cool.  And I glowed inside knowing the secret that no one there could have known…Something dear which had been taken away with pain and fear was now conquered with courage and joy. 

I made the smoothie when I got home.  It is strange, but I think I may like it. Then sat down to share my accomplishment with you.

Thanks for the support!

Rae